CONVERSATION WITH MY 4 YEAR OLD BOY


Me:  You’ve been such a good boy, you can get a new toy when we go to Target.
4Yo Son:  A new toy!?
Me:  Yes, how about a new puzzle.
4YO Son:  I don’t want a puzzle, I want “Doggy Doo”.
Me:  “Doggy Doo” ?
4YO Son:  Yes, I saw it on Cartoon Network.   
Me:  What is “Doggy Doo”?
4YO Son:  It’s a doggy like Weiner that goes poo, poo.
Me:  I’m not getting you a doggy that poo-poos.  You got two doggies that poo-poo all day long.
4YO Son:  But I want “Doggy Doo”! I want to play with “Doggy Doo”.
Me:  Let’s take a walk outside in the backyard, there’s plenty of “Doggy Doos” to play with.

The TAKE AWAY:   He didn’t think the trip to the backyard was funny.  I didn’t think the toy “Doggy Doo” was real.   And for the record, he got a puzzle. 

Mom… The Joker’s Dead?

Over the years I’ve had friends tell me that the NEVER allow their kids to watch TV news. Their fear?  Their kids might see or hear something that isn’t appropriate, something that they, as parents, don’t want to have to explain to their impressionable children.  

I totally respect that.  And I too try to shield my kids from the harsh realities of our wonderful, albeit fucked up world.  But sometimes I mess up.  

Case in point…  this morning, while driving with my animals (my 2 and 3 year sons), I had one of those, “Oh shit, I’m a parent moments”.

As we were driving to our favorite book store, we had KNX news radio on (I had left it on the dial from the day before).  The host was updating all the top stories one of which was about the death of Jerry Robinson—  the man who created the comic book character “The Joker”.  

The radio host said,  ”And Jerry Robinson, the creator of one of the biggest comic book villains of all time “The Joker”,  has died”.

My 3 year old immediately perked up, gasped.. and then screamed, “MOM… THE JOKER’S DEAD?”

Oh my Gawd…  What do I tell him?  Does he understand what “dead” means?  What is an appropriate parental response in this situation?  

“Yep, Batman finally got him. Good triumphed over evil,”  I said quickly.   “The Joker is gonzo!” 

As we continued to drive, I watched his reaction through my rearview mirror.   I was praying he wouldn’t ask me what “gonzo” meant, or for that matter, about death.

He was stunned and I could see that he was processing the news that the Joker was no more.  About 30 seconds later a big grin spread across his little face.

“AWESOME! BATMAN IS AWESOME!”, he yelled from the back seat, pumping his fists in the air.

He then turned to his brother in the car seat next to him,  ”Sammy… The Joker is bonzo!”

Then the two started clapping and cheering.   And yes, I too joined the celebration. I got lucky on this one.  


TINY DINK BOY
That picture made you smile, right?  This lil’ guy is one of our a$$holes.  His name is Tiny Bubbles.  Or “Bubbies” if you are in the know.  Bubs and Wiener (our dachshund)  use to be the top men in my life before the Savages came along.  I use to be that gal who dressed her dogs in tshirts and stuffed them in her purse. 
Bubbies is retarded, or addled as my mother in law describes him.   It’s not his fault.  Shortly after I rescued Bubs, he was almost murdered, I mean trampled by my husband’s 85 pound dog (RIP Big Cosmo).
While Bubbies was on life support,  I sang the song “Tiny Bubbles” (from the Lawrence Welk Show) to him.  I like to think it saved his life.  That smile has saved mine more than once.  

TINY DINK BOY

That picture made you smile, right?  This lil’ guy is one of our a$$holes.  His name is Tiny Bubbles.  Or “Bubbies” if you are in the know.  Bubs and Wiener (our dachshund)  use to be the top men in my life before the Savages came along.  I use to be that gal who dressed her dogs in tshirts and stuffed them in her purse. 

Bubbies is retarded, or addled as my mother in law describes him.   It’s not his fault.  Shortly after I rescued Bubs, he was almost murdered, I mean trampled by my husband’s 85 pound dog (RIP Big Cosmo).

While Bubbies was on life support,  I sang the song “Tiny Bubbles” (from the Lawrence Welk Show) to him.  I like to think it saved his life.  That smile has saved mine more than once.  

The Scene:  At the vet, texting with my husband while I wait for our 13 year old wiener dog.
Me: I’m here 
Husband:  How is he?
Me:  Okay, but we just dropped $1200 on the vet bill.
Husband:  OMFG
Me: Yep
Husband:  Would it have been cheaper to put him down?
The Take Away:  Next time, text husband BEFORE paying the bill

The Scene:  At the vet, texting with my husband while I wait for our 13 year old wiener dog.

Me: I’m here 

Husband:  How is he?

Me:  Okay, but we just dropped $1200 on the vet bill.

Husband:  OMFG

Me: Yep

Husband:  Would it have been cheaper to put him down?

The Take Away:  Next time, text husband BEFORE paying the bill

Wiener is not an Apple!

  • Husband: (yelling in another room) I'm going to kill you Wiener!
  • 3YO Son: (concerned) Why does Daddy want to kill Wiener?
  • Me: Daddy doesn't want to kill Wiener Dog, he's just mad cause he went pee-pee on the floor.
  • Husband: (yelling in another room). Get outside a#$hole! (door slams).
  • 3YO Son: (running into the other room) Daddy! Wiener is NOT an apple!
  • Me: (mumbling) you're right son, Wiener is not an apple, he's a prick.
Waking up to a chaotic household this morning (ie: the a#*holes left another overnight surprise) it’s always good to take a step back for a second.   And when things get rough today (and you know the they will),  just keep this lil’ piece of advice in the back of your mind from my father, Merv.  Yes, his name is Merv.   “Forget the shit, get the piss”.   Think about it. 

Waking up to a chaotic household this morning (ie: the a#*holes left another overnight surprise) it’s always good to take a step back for a second.   And when things get rough today (and you know the they will),  just keep this lil’ piece of advice in the back of your mind from my father, Merv.  Yes, his name is Merv.   “Forget the shit, get the piss”.   Think about it. 

Husband (walks into the kitchen): The dogs just shit in my office
Me:  What?
Husband: The dogs took a shit in my office
Me: Why?
Husband: Because they’re assholes

Husband (walks into the kitchen): The dogs just shit in my office

Me:  What?

Husband: The dogs took a shit in my office

Me: Why?

Husband: Because they’re assholes